Adventures in Online Dating Part I

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Before I post, I wanted to let you know that I am trying to play some concerts and/or house shows for my new CD, which contains all songs in which God is speaking. All inspired by scriptures where God is speaking truth and hope over us. I can also lead worship at churches. I can also teach and put on great retreats for women, worship teams, singles groups, youth groups, anything you’d like! I AM ESPECIALLY LOOKING FOR POSSIBILITIES IN THE SEATTLE PORTLAND AREA AND IN NORTH CAROLINA. If you are interested, please go to my website and shoot me a message! Ok here goes the post!

You knew that the topic of this post was coming. It has been lurking behind the scenes for months, ready to pounce on all of my readers like a whitewashed vampire in a haunted house.

It’s inevitable. I am in my thirties and single and it is the 21st century. It had to happen.

That’s right folks, I am stooping down to the lowest of the low points. I am going to try online dating.

It all started yesterday. My friend Rosie was going on a date with a guy she met on okay cupid. I started scrolling through some of the people on the front page. One guy in particular looked intriguing. Christian. Handsome. Career oriented. In my mind, his name was Ramon, since that is the name of the imaginary boyfriend that I talk about occasionally. “Maybe I’d try this some time,” I thought out loud.

Before I knew what was happening,  Rosie slyly asked me what my email address was and what password I often use, copied some of my pictures on facebook, and voila!  The whole world now has physical proof that I am desperate, like a girl on a desert Island who finally decides to eat snails.

I will admit this is not my first time on the exhausting online dating treadmill. I tried eharmony once. I gathered up the courage to go on one date. The guy was wearing an over sized blue suit, didn’t ask me one question in over an hour, and had created an ap that helped you hit on people in bars. I am not joking. It would tell you if there was someone your type in the bar who had the same ap. It didn’t work out, but that guy is probably a millionaire now.

For some reason, that date didn’t seem worth the sixty dollars I spent for the first few months, along with the sixty dollars I spent when they automatically renewed my subscription without my permission.

Awesome.

Okaycupid is a website that is even further down the already low low ladder rungs of online dating. It is worse than eharmony in that it is free. That is dangerous. Any guy who says “hey you know, I really want to find a broad to go on a nice date with, maybe even get hitched, but I don’t really want to pay any money to do that stuff” is not going to buy me dinner. No way.

This particular website started out by asking you a whole lot of questions, which I actually like. You need to weed people out somehow. They literally have hundreds of questions you can answer.

When the question was asked “Which is bigger, the sun or the earth?” I knew that I might be in for a rude awakening of how stupid some of my potential dates would be. I marked that question as “very important” to me, meaning that it was very important that my potential date got this question right. My reasoning being that someone who doesn’t know if the sun is bigger than the earth is definitely not going to be able to figure out how to change a diaper.

One of the next questions said, “if you were to turn your left glove inside out, would it fit on your left hand or your right hand?” I was too lazy to get up and try a glove on. There was no option that said “It can go on either hand, especially if you are good at putting your hand in a awkward position,” which is obviously the right answer. I skipped that question, knowing full well that it was not a good indication of whether I would make a quality life partner or not.

I finished a hundred questions. Within 2.5 minutes, I had three messages.

Message #1 was from a guy that asked me if I was into younger guys. Occasionally, I wanted to say, but not one that looks like you.

Message #2 was from a guy that said, “for you, beautiful girl” that had a link on it to a youtube video of a Melissa Etheridge song from 1988. If you listened carefully to the words, you realized that Melissa was actually talking about breaking up with someone. Winner.

Message #3 was from a charming man that had a picture of himself standing in front of his house with no shirt on. You’d think that might be a good idea if you have a six pack, but not if you have a beer belly.

In that 2.5 minutes, I also got matched with a friend of mine. Great. He will be the first one to know that I am willing to eat snails.

The only thing I was excited about was searching for Ramon. I searched and searched for him. I searched for words that I remembered being in his profile. I searched for his profile name. He was nowhere. You know why? Because Ramon is not real. The Okaycupid people made him up so that I would be intrigued and try it out. Oh Ramon, come back to me!

Now that Ramon is out of the picture, I have several legitimate excuses explaining why this is not a good idea. I will have to lower my standards. I will have to shave my legs. And my best and most holy excuse? If I do this, it would bring into question my trust in of the sovereignty of God. How could I think God was sovereign if I was forcing my love life to happen? Good one, Kate. Good one.

We’ll see if the excuses win out. You might be hearing more about this topic, friends. Even if you don’t want to.

Okay. Let the comment games begin. Your worst online matches. Your worst online dates. Ready, go.

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34 thoughts on “Adventures in Online Dating Part I

  1. Well done for at least getting out there, we have all got to at least give it a try! My worst online matches were being matched with men 20 years my senior when my limit was between 5 years younger and 5 years older. Worst date wasn’t the poor guys fault, but having gone to a pub, after all where else do you go in London , I had my bag stolen, he had to pay for my ticket home, needless to say we didn’t meet up again.
    But to give you some encouragement, I have seen at least 5 friends in the last few years get married through online matches. Good luck!

  2. I have tried online dating and it is HORRENDOUS esp as a Christian. One guy on Plenty of Fish (which I have found out is mostly a hook up site) listed himself as a Christian but after about 4 or so messages I mentioned my church and he said, “Church? I have to ask…do you have a normal sex life?” HUH? He must have not read my profile where I mentioned that I am a strong Christian and involved in church.

    Had a guy on eHarmony who said he is a dedicated Christian but actually wrote on his profile that he believes pre-marital sex is a sin but that :it;s going to happen anyway because we’re human and it’s normal to want to have sex with someone you love.”

    Ugh. I’m 37 and waiting for marriage and let me tell you, it does NOT get easier as you get older. Guys still only have one thing on their mind. I did become friends though with a Christian guy from Plenty of Fish so good guys are out there and on those sites but they are HARD to come by.

    I never actually went out on a date with anyone from these sites (tried OK Cupid too….ugh) because honestly, I think my being so upfront about my faith turns off some people, but I’m looking for a strong Christian guy who walks the walk. If someone being open about their faith turns you off, even if you say you’re a Christian, something is wrong.

    I don’t doubt that God can use online dating to bring two people together. I don’t think that means that you’re not trusting God. But I would however, be very wary of the people on these sites. Some of them are just plain freaky…even on the Christian dating sites.

    Not only that, but I find that guys are looking for some perfect woman. Even on the Christian sites, you have guys listing as their desired body type in a woman to be “athletic” or “thin” – they don’t even pick “average.” I have found that these sites can really lower your self esteem because you have all these guys telling you that they want someone beautiful and sexy and thin….no wonder they’re single

  3. haha. Oh, the hyperbole for dramatic written effect. 😉
    I was on OK cupid for about 2 1/2 seconds and felt like I was walking into a seedy bar every time I logged on. I also had a guy with sign in name BriefNudity ask if I wanted to go pick mushrooms with him sometime. Seriously, I entertained myself by reading some of my more, lets say, interesting messages to my roommates. Holy cow.
    BUT, I want to encourage you. Don’t paint online dating as the bottom rung of the dating ladder. Many of my good friends who are healthy, stable, fun people have met their husbands/wives online and they have fantastic marriages. We know at least one (or two?) in common :). So, if you feel ready, give it a chance. If you don’t, then don’t. You will make yourself miserable and then write about it. 😉 I think its just another tool in the 21st century belt.
    Love you!

  4. I am still on eHarmony and wondering why (oh yeah, they gave me three months for the price of one…what a waste. I go days now without any matches). The problem with the free sites is that anyone can join so you’re going to get a plethora of weirdos. I have a friend who went out on some dates from Plenty of Fish and all they wanted was a one night stand. I don’t think OK Cupid would be much better. I would like to think that those who pay are more serious about finding a relationship, but I am beginning to wonder. I think I’m gonna take a break from this online dating thing and just wait for the right guy to come along. I’ve involved myself in a few different activities lately so who knows, maybe I’ll find someone that way. Gotta trust God about this, but sometimes it’s hard!

  5. This was really funny, Kate…such an enjoyable, fun read. (Yes, I actually “laughed out loud.”) I don’t think, though, that “online dating” is necessarily an admission that you’ve stopped seeking God’s will for your (love) life. Hang in there. It always happens, as you’ve heard, when you least expect it. God bless.

  6. I got a message from a guy on OK Cupid once saying that he would really like to get to know me and oh, by the way, how would I feel about going out with someone with a foot fetish? Yeeaaaahhh, I didn’t answer that one.

  7. You are not alone Kate. During graduate school/seminary, I found myself on Christians Single or Mingle or whatever it is called now. I had some females way older than me messaging me, which was creepy. Then a few years ago, I tried Eharmony, it was a free weekend, but not being able to see peoples pic or really send them messages was a drag (and yes, the amount charged per month is crazy). I met one girl on there, nothing really happened, but we are friends . I just didn’t feel the same urge to be around her and talk to her like I have in the past. I guess no spark. Recently, probably for the last few months, I have been on OkCupid (which is the correct name, ha!) and I have answered like 250 questions, set up my profile, browsed matches but have yet to message anyone. I dont know, it just feels odd and complicated. Some seem like good matches but I dont know them. Some live far away. Some might be good as friends. Some barely have anything on their profile. If meeting a female in real life feels like a job interview, then online dating feels a lot like applying for that same job online, ha! ;.)

    All this to say, you are certainly not alone in going to online dating. I tried asking out females from Sunday school, either to hang out or more, but people whom you know always seem to be creeped out, like you are crossing some imaginary boundary. At least that has been my feeling sometimes. I always figure, at worst, maybe I could make a new friend if things dont work out or she doesn’t like me, but I guess that is too much to ask for… so, like yourself, I feel relegated to online dating. God help me. God help you. God help us all indeed! ;.)

  8. Sigh…online dating seems to be a necessary evil in our society.
    Weirdest first message I got from a guy was “I have already married and divorced you in my mind.”
    Huh???

  9. I recently joined Christian Mingle. Hasn’t resulted in a date yet, but I’m trying to remain optimistic. No horror stories yet, although it is a little creepy when I look at who’s viewed my profile and there’s a guy in his forties or fifties (I’m 24). Tried Date My School because it was free, but I quickly realized Christian guys would be few and far between. One guy listed one of his favorite activities as “taking pictures of myself with my cell phone”.

    But honestly, what choice do I have when I’m a commuter student, and there is exactly one single guy at my church (who sort-of dated my sister, and she was not impressed)? I always thought I was too young to be “desperate” enough for online dating, but if I want to get married and can’t up and move to a city where the guy/girl ratio is 10:1, isn’t it the best option?

  10. Hey Kate. If you’re ever in Nashville I’ll take you to dinner AND pay for your meal. They have a great chicken finger place here. Nothing romantic; just one celibate paying for another celibate to eat food.

  11. I’ve been doing online dating on and off for nine years. That sounds so sad to say, but it’s true. I have had three serious relationships come out of it and I am thankful for what I have learned. It is very hard though and I can tell you plenty of stories. I’ve tried many different sites, but like Christaincafe and Christianmingle the best. There seem to be more authentic Christians on these sites. I have even resorted to hiring a Christian matchmaker! I figure maybe they will have more luck than I have had! LOL! Anyways, hang in there and keep trying it. It definitely works for some people and thanks for the post!

  12. I’ve tried multiple sites – they’re all painful.
    I’ve been matched with my second cousin. Twice.
    I’ve been matched with a friend’s ex-fiance.
    I was matched with someone who seemed normal but when we met he spent an hour and a half talking about his pet parrot Joey.
    Yes, online dating has certainly exceeded my expectations…

  13. Oh yes, God can even use online dating to bring people together. Keep your heart and mind open, who knows what may be in store. It has worked for me!!

  14. Hey Kate,

    Definitely understand your hesitations about online dating. I was, and am, right there with you. For reals. It was shameful and hard for me, in a way, to admit to desiring a relationship, which was what I was doing when I signed up for the online world. But no, I don’t think it’s the “lowest of low points” at all, and am kinda sad you view it as that way. Yes, there are some weirdos out there, yes I received a poem from a 54 year old man (I’m 29), yes, it’s awkward. But you’re also taking a risk, letting go, and trusting God (because I’m pretty sure knows what the World Wide Web is).

    There are all forms of risks out there, especially in the dating world, and I believe one of the biggest ones is to let go of your expectations and visions for how you think you will meet your man (or how your Ramon will look).

    The answer it always came down to for me when I was questioning whether going online was: “why not?” Seriously. Why not. Because its awkward? All dating is awkward. Because its uncomfortable? Life is uncomfortable. Give it a shot, be hopeful, laugh at the crazy ones, ask God to be in this, and view it as another one of life’s ridiculous adventures. I think people are uncomfortable going online and talking about it, because yea, it’s admitting you want to find someone, but it does not mean you’re desperate. You can go to the closest bar for that one.

    Sorry for the long comment. I feel pretty passionate about this, because I never NEVER never in a million years would have imagined I’d find my normal, God loving, beer drinking, mountain adventurer husband online. But our God’s a God who asks us to open our hands, let go, and dive in to that unknown water.

    If nothing else, you’re going to have some great stories to tell. Stay positive.

  15. I joined eHarmony for 6 months in 2011 after hemming and hawing about online dating. I finally came to the conclusion that I had nothing to lose by trying it out.

    I had maybe 10 or so matches send me anything. I only got to the meet up stage with one of the guys. On our coffee “date” he didn’t offer to pay, talked about his crazy ex/baby mama for at least 10 minutes, admitted to never having the motivation to get his drivers license his whole adult life, and also that he was in possession of a collection of at least 80 stuffed polar bears in his bedroom. Not to mention I carried the first 30 minutes of conversation before I stopped talking/asking questions completely in order to see if he would initiate at all. It makes for a funny story. Hell, even I laugh about it most of the time. However, deep down, I know it makes me sad and feel completely unattractive.

    I sent about 200+ matches the initial questions/communication. Not one of them responded.

    I have friends and family tell me that I’m such a great girl. They say any guy would be lucky to have me. It’s hard to believe when all I’ve experienced tells me the opposite. I’m 30 and a lifelong, never-even-had-a-boyfriend single. I wrestle with my desire for a husband and family every day.

    I hope you have a better experience with online dating this time around. I hope you find someone who will pay for your dinner 🙂 I enjoy reading your blog. I can always relate to what you write about and I appreciate your voice.

  16. Hey Kate,

    Definitely understand your hesitations about online dating. I was, and am, right there with you. For reals. It was shameful and hard for me, in a way, to admit to desiring a relationship, which was what I was doing when I signed up for the online world. But no, I don’t think it’s the “lowest of low points” at all, and am kinda sad you view it as that way. Yes, there are some weirdos out there, yes I received a poem from a 61 year old man (I’m 32), yes, it’s awkward. But you’re also taking a risk, letting go, and trusting God (because I believe he sure knows what the World Wide Web is).

    There are all forms of risks out there, especially in the dating world, and I believe one of the biggest ones is to let go of your expectations and visions for how you think you will meet your man (or how your Ramon will look).

    The answer it always came down to for me when I was questioning whether going online was: “why not?” Seriously. Why not. Because its awkward? All dating is awkward. Because its uncomfortable? Life is uncomfortable. Give it a shot, be hopeful, laugh at the crazy ones, ask God to be in this, and view it as another one of life’s grand adventures. I think people are uncomfortable going online and talking about it, because yea, it’s admitting you want to find someone, but it does not mean you’re desperate. You can go to the closest bar for that one.

    Sorry for the long comment. I feel pretty passionate about this, because I never NEVER never in a million years would have imagined I’d find my normal, God loving, beer drinking, mountain adventurer husband online. But our God’s a God who asks us to open our hands, let go, and dive in to that unknown water.

    Not saying it works/everyone should do it, but if nothing else, you’re going to have some great stories to tell. Stay positive.

  17. This was an awesome read! I am 29 and have tried online dating a few times and am currently on ChristianMingle. I have gone out with a guy I’m pretty sure was a distant cousin, a guy who wore a sparkly gold metallic sweater (i didn’t event know they made those for dudes!) and a “34 yr old” who had a comb over, lazy eye, and talked about the YMCA for an hour. What great matches! I’m not that picky, but had hoped for a little more for myself 🙂 I totally get it! But it sounds like we are in this together!

  18. Been online dating for a year… don’t regret doing it but, definitely feel like it’s a self-esteem rollercoaster. Saw an update on OKCupid yesterday from somebody that said. “Message me if you are a busty C-DD cup red head, or just not a blonde.” Really? Really?

    The most discouraging part is that so few men really answer women when they initiate contact with them. I have consulted with many of my girlfriends on this and we have all had the same experience. As women, is our only option, even online, to sit and wait for a guy to message us? Is online dating REALLY that different from sitting at a bar and waiting for someone to approach you and come on to you? Regardless, the few decent guys I have met online give me hope to stay online.

  19. I TOTALLY understand! (BTW – we met at the concert you did last summer in Mpls & I sent you a bunch of articles from my thesis research.) Here’s a weird one for you. A friend of mine went out with a guy she met on eharmony or match.com. She realized he wasn’t the guy for her, but thought that I might be a good match for him. We exchanged emails for a short time until I said something in an email he misunderstood. (Um, hello. It’s email. You can’t see my nonverbals or hear my tone!) Anyway, he said it’s over. I tried once to apologize and figured I’d learned my lesson and hope to never meet him. Fast forward 4 or 5 years and my SIL (my brother passed away) tries online dating. She tells me, “Oh, I’m dating a guy that has a boat on a lake near you.” The first 2 words out of my mouth were, “Oh. No.” I asked her a few more questions of some of the details I could remember and sure enough, it was the same guy. They are now married and have a daughter. Awkward became my new favorite word. Through it all, though, I realized that there would never have been a relationship between the two of us. He is not my type at all. When I told my parents the story they said if I’d brought him to meet them, they would’ve asked me, “What in the world are you thinking?”

    I’ve personally tried eharmony & christiancafe and I can totally understand the frustrations with it. Anyone who suggests a site to me, I want to ask them to put their money where their mouth is & tell them I’ll give it a go if they’re willing to pay for it. I’m not willing to give up that much money to only get 1 lunch date (I got that far with 1 guy who really seemed like a nice guy but I could tell he was totally bored by the time our lunch was over.) Until they’re willing to pay for it, I’m not willing to give it another go. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about trying it again now & then.

  20. Hey Kate,
    I am really glad you’re trying online dating. About 6 months ago I met someone who is all I had been praying for and more. He is so normal and real…We are in love and I am shocked at how good life is! However, up until last year I was THE most judgmental person about online stuff.

    When I reluctantly signed up at the urging of family members I secretly prayed that I wouldn’t meet the love of my life online because then that would be the story of how we met and…no. But now having found him, I could care less. I would be missing so much if I hadn’t swallowed my pride, weeded through all the bad ones and let God walk me through being vulnerable in that way.

    I think it’s just a matter of trusting God. This world is full of strange and disappointing men. But there is one man in the mix that is worth the search and trial.

    I think your story is gonna be incredible..it already is.

  21. Oh! Online dating weirdo stories! It’s not shaming, it’s like an exclusive comedy club! My only good story is the Muslim man who had to get my dad’s permission to buy me coffee, and then asked me to enter into a 3-month-long ‘relationship agreement.’ I went along with the date until he mentioned we could end the agreement at any time, but assured me that IF I GOT PREGNANT he would provide for the child. Good luck getting permission for any of that to happen. My poor friend seems to strike out a lot more, including these men:

    1. Model train guy
    2. Foot fetish guy
    3. Karl-with-a-K (he has somehow been independently matched with 3 of my friends, and we cannot figure out how he keeps popping up)
    4. The guy who asked her if she would mind tickling his neck with a feather duster when he kissed her

    Despite the whackjobs, online dating can be fun and interesting in and of itself without the expectation of leading to marriage. Enjoy the laughs!

    PS: I really, really enjoy your writing 🙂

  22. You are so cool! I do not think I’ve truly read somethijg like
    this before. So wonderful to discover another person with a few genuine thoughts on this topic.
    Seriously.. thanks for starting this up. This website is something that is required on the internet, someone with a little originality!

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